Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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