The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i now understand why vodka
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
