im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
