The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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