So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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