He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
