when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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