Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
