idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
