Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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