This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
