Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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