Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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