hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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