i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
