I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
