ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
