i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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