yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
