I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize