your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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