i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
