god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
