Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
