Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was born a porn star she said
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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