I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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