Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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