hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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