even my farts smell like vagina
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
