My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
