Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
