you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
