I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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