Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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