I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I love you. Go after that dick
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
