we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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