My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
