Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
