I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
