yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
