Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
