it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
