so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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