He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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