peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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