Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
