he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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