I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
