life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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