Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You are the jesus of drinking
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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