isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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