I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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