The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize