just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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