This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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