Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize