The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
