According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
