Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
