Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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